Mom Goes Urban Survivalist Sans Minivan

Two posts today....

First , and most important- HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM and Happy Mothers day to all !!

Second, the following essays I did as a submission for a UNCG humanities class in the guidelines for NPR's "This I Believe" series. 

 Mom Goes Urban Survivalist Sans Minivan

           

Two years ago I started the process of moving my family of five to the Eastern Europe countries of Estonia and then to Latvia. Through my husband’s studying of International Business, I finally had the travel opportunity I had always talked about and now I was starting the first of my living aboard "great experiences". One of these enriching experiences, that changed my daily life as I knew it, was our decision to not live with a car.  Although at the time I thought it was just going to be six months, being a suburban “soccer mom” would never be the same again. Quite honestly, I slowly realized that I no longer wanted the constant racing around of children in the van, commutes to jobs, the isolated house, and the financial stress that went along with our past first “choice” of transit lifestyle.

                Looking back at my attempts of surviving in the European world without my cars, a new life option had arisen.  One past example of a “regular” day of walking everywhere around town that stands out would be on a winter morning in February when I needed to do laundry. Since our apartment did not have a washer and it was just me and my two year old son that day, I decided to take advantage of our snowy town of Tartu. So, off I went to the student Laundromat pulling a sled with my son sitting on top of the duffle bag of dirty clothes. With feet strategically placed in the handle straps as stirrups, he was having fun feeling like he was a cowboy riding a horse. But over all, it was a regular day because on foot, or the occasional sled/stroller or bus, was our chosen mode of transportation. After a long day, with a couple dryers being broken and dealing with a toddler in general, many a bribe was shamelessly given out by me to my son. When I got home, with this mostly dry laundry, my husband and two older children (who now always walked home from school or activities) most eagerly helped fulfill one of these promises. I loved to then, just spur of the moment, be able to easily walk down our two flights of stairs across the cobblestone “walking only street” and have a scoop of ice cream as a reward for all.

            So, when we moved back to the United States, with a taste of this no car lifestyle, we “crazily”, by most the people we knows standards, sold most of our possession’s and moved back to the neighboring Eastern European country of Latvia. Now going on almost a year and with the helpful add of a clothes washer/dryer and five bicycles my Riga center city apartment location is a great testing ground where I have made even more of my observations on transportation.

One theory of mine is, that it is easier to talk to my children, and husband for that matter, when I am walking around town with them. Contrary to parenting magazines that recommend that the car is a good time to talk to your children, I always felt that this was a stressful time to really listen. Maybe it is the “focused” yet paranoid driver in me speaking here, but it was informative last month when my teenage daughter( me and her in above photo) walked me past and even let me inspect the afterschool club/café that she frequents. Although I am cringing a bit when I write this, I am glad she is being honest when she said,

 “I sometimes hang out here, but don’t smoke cigarettes, like almost all of my friends!”

            Don’t get me wrong, a rain shower and/or a heavy load to carry can be an inconvenience, yet this slowing pace can speed up other senses. Back in the states I remember feeling tired at the wheel, while walking as a mode of transport, besides the obvious health benefits, it can be an adrenaline kick.  I also can take in the sights, sounds, and smells around me. Although cliché I can “stop (or at least slow down) and smell the roses”.  I can get a wif of my favorite bakery, pop into an art gallery and, most heartwarming of my examples, is to walk by and see my youngest child playing in the park with his school.

            Although I have had other challenges of wasted time and money figuring out the public bus system, a positive spin can be seen on this transit. An example would be how I taught my kids a life lesson with a wrong way bus ride. Although “embarrassed”, they learned that they can ask for directions and  it can sometimes lead to a nice conversation with someone-who was just a few minutes ago a stranger.

Although things may change and we have plans to move again in two years, it thankfully seems that our future city choices will allow me to continue this invigorating, no car lifestyle.  I guess what I am trying to say is, if “life is a journey”, try not to be zooming through “life” ….and, let’s just say, ditching my “zooming” was a way for, at least me, to “live” my life just a little bit better.

           

"Stop and Smell the Roses"

  When I started my new "Art is Life" class last month, I have literally been on assignment to find "art" around me. The most obvious visual example is as follows;
  As I was walking out of my apartment and go into the center of town I have to walk past Terabetas’s Street of flower venders. The sheer volume of venders and the interesting faces of mostly Russian women makes this place stand out. Plus, I will have to admit the fact that even my "manly" boys notice how "cool" the sunflowers are is nice to hear. Although I have tripped on the uneven pavement and sometimes have the unpleasant smell of cigarette smoke, this part of my walk is special. It forces me to slow down and “smell the roses” and enjoy the range of colors as well as the interesting faces of these hard working women. Although cliché, I feel more fulfilled in my life when I “try” to slow down and have a moment to be thankful.  

how much is that toddler in the window?

Sometimes I feel like I only have little bits of time to talk to my husband. When my antsy toddler decided to rest in the window of a  Latvian coffeeshop, I just went with it. It was quite funny to watch the passersby point and watch him with amused looks on their faces. Finally I sent my teenager (with her new camera) to capture the rare moment of calm in our rambunctious Lincoln. Cheers to a couple moments of calm in your lives!

Hang In There!

I thought maybe this picture was too cruel at first ...But on second thought, since it is just a joke( I HOPE?) I am showing it. I heard an interview recently on NPR about challenges in child-rearing. The whole point of the many stories was that mothers just wanted to hear that "it is o.k." and they are not alone in their challenges of motherhood.  Just know that all mother get frustrated and" it is o.k." maybe just don't hang them on a cloths line ...run them on a track or invest in a trampoline :)

favorite quotes...

As I walked around Riga, Latvia with my family; eating dinner, talking,  and enjoyed the music filled Old town squares, I thought this qoute made lots of sense...

 “Real luxury is having the time to read endless stories in bed with my children. And I get all that time. I’m  so blessed.” (Kate Winslet)

I made my children watch the movie, 'Dead Poets Society' just so they could try to grasp "carpe diem "..

" Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." (Henry David Thoreau)

As I sit here in my new apartment in Eastern Europe, I may be a bit defensive in our decision to move here ....are we crazy??!!...

  "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler." (Henry David Thoreau)

Other quotes I like....

 ( linked with Momscape.com) 

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
-- Agatha Christie

"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
-- Albert Einstein

"By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class."
-- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Words /Sayings I Would Want My Children to Know

As I think about the book Beloved, I am so grateful for my life and my relationships with my mother, my children and my family in general. I could not even imagine if I was like Sethe, from Beloved, and did not get to know my mother and later had such a tragic relationship with my children.  I got to thinking about what I would want to tell my children( especially when/if my daughter becomes a mother). What if we were separated or they never knew me?  What would I want them to know? Since my thoughts range in themes I will list below.....


“In certain cases don't listen to others advice do what you want to do.....if rocking your baby to sleep every night makes you happy do it...But, be aware, they may expect it every night for years...ask yourself if you will enjoy it then?”(Deeanna Privette-friend) ( I have decided yes, to a point and have had many cuddling moments and relaxing talking times since .)

“If your house is messy and you have guests, at least they will feel better about how clean their house is” ( Penny De Loca- my mother)

“Lay out a few options of outfits for your son/daughter to pick from...Then she will feel like it was his/her choice “ ( unknown ) ( I have gone overboard and forgotten this one; i.e. I have let my 3^rd child wear costumes all day- Go Buzz Light Year!)

“Distract the toddler verses fight with them.” ( unknown )

“If your baby is crying for along time and you have had enough, place them in a safe crib and walk away for a minute...it is O.K. “ ( Penny De Loca -baby shower advice I at first though was too mean)

“Choose your battles” (unknown)

“ A little dirt does not hurt... it will strengthen their immune system” ( heard many times in the sandbox)

“Spank only as a last resort for extremely bad behavior …. Time outs and taking away what they are playing with or want most is more effective” ( Psychology classes & Penny De Loca)

“The only things you can control are your attitude and how you react to a situation”. ( positive mental attitude books & my husband Bobby)

“ Speak the positive about what you want your child to do ...they may just start doing it” ...In example say, ”I am so glad you are sharing your toys...” ( Lauren Casey & Hung by the Tongue)

“Be independent and get a good education....do not be completely reliant on a man/husband....have a little of your own money...” ( heard this in many forms, but most influential was from my great aunt Fannie who was a Lawyer back in the 1930's!)

“Go out with your husband at least once a month and do not talk about the kids”. ( my mother-in law who did most the babysitting)

“ 'Life is short' ...your grandfather died just weeks after his retirement ….(finance wise) God/life will give you what you need....”( Penny De Loca )

“Take care of yourself(mind-attitude) and your body, in doing so we can take care of/serve others so much better”. ( I have heard similar saying at the end of Yoga classes...When I teach, I usually say something like this)

Balance?

 As my teenage daughter glares at me across the crazy packed car on the way to the airport today, I think to myself, ”why is this such a struggle”?   My personal challenges with my own little family are so overwhelming. I wonder how one even examines societies’ expectations of motherhood or the “institution of motherhood” like we have been trying to do in UNCG's Motherhood class. This struggle of the role of the mother is still very present today and can most likely be traced back to the first independent challenging act by a child toward their mother. Isn’t the basis of most self-help books for one to find “balance”.  Are they talking about the general balance of power that in rooted back to the mother child relationship?  I wish I had an answer to how women could have more “power” within society and more “respect” with-in their own families. Within parts of, Of Women Born, by Adrienne Rich, she deals with the issues of a “father‘s control of the mother”,  and the “privatization of home”(page 53) .  Although control by the “Institutional motherhood” is well intended and at times may help the “Institutional of family”, the balance should ultimately be found on a case by case basis. Don’t we all really just want our children to be strong, creative and independent some day with their own choices of family planning and balance

   Rich talks about the “housewife” choice and gives examples of women who were very “productive” in a home/community environment but later in less community “lonely” when sheltered away. I have struggled with these feelings as well. I have been a “housewife” and “working mom” at different times in my life (not always by my own choice). I had my daughter at 22 and also have 11 and 4 year old boys who I had at 26 and 33. Although I never felt as negative or extreme as Rich, I did identify with many of the ups and downs and pressures by the “Institutional motherhood”. I have been on both sides of why to work and "stay at home" within discussions by my family and friends.  Although this a subjective issue, the key for family balance is to compromise with the father/Patriarch/society that directly influences one’s life and try for a balance( and hope it can transfer over to a “strong willed” teenager someday). Also, it is important to make time for yourself and your dreams and this sets a good example for your children. I came to realize more with my second child that children will be better off  if they see "the world does not revolve around" them.  Maybe it just depends on the child ? My teenager daughter and I have a roller-coaster relationship. My sons on the one hand are more even emotionally.Thankfully for our whole family, we have the wonderful up times !  In a silly example, she ten minutes ago made me this message; bigassmessage.com/ec2  ( it just flashes "My mom is hot"...?!)

The Benefits of Being a Mother Today

  As I sat today writing this post I was thinking of how lucky I am as a mother.   After reading parts of, Of Women Born, by Adrienne Rich, and Ann Crittenden’s, The Price of Motherhood, some of the struggles of motherhood and the role of societies’ expectations were "truly"  thought out more clearly by me. .I looked into how mothers have to deal with sexism, racism, and a general lack of respect, and societies lack of monetary reimbursement for mothers work at home. Although I feel it is difficult to put a monetary value on the mothering "House Wife", society should follow the lead of countries like Sweden and give a "value" to these hard working women. 


   As I was reading an e-mail  this week about a "Factory  Rape" in Jordan (http://www.change.org/petitions/tell-walmart-to-stop-rape-and-torture-of-young-women-in-its-factories?). I was saddened and thought of how the author, Rich had discussed horrible conditions for women in factories throughout history. Rich documents some of the harsh conditions for factory women working long hours in the 1800s. She referenced that in 1844 “A British factory inspector could report that ‘a vast majority of the persons employed at night and for long periods during the day are females; their labour is cheaper and they are more easily induced to undergo severe bodily fatigue than men” (page 48, Rich).Phrases like, “Easily induced” demonstrates that women are sometimes characterized as “weak” or having few choices when in fact  working,” for long periods” shows that they are physically strong. The article about the women in Jordan was saying that the co-working men were removed from their posts, so they could not protect their female co-workers from mistreatment!!! Over the years and still to this day it is almost shocking what women will go through to provide for their family. Another example by Rich in the 1800s, discusses how the mothers sometimes gave their unweaned babies “watery gruel” instead of breast milk . I can not even imagine to not be able to met my children's basic needs !:(

  So, a bit guiltily, I restate, "I am so lucky" to be a mother in the conditions I have (and most all the mothers I know)   I  am sitting at Chic-fil-a  having a nice chicken salad and glancing through a soundproof glass wall at my four year old climbing on the equipment.  It has to have been a mother that designed this wonderful restaurant.  The mothers get a break and can possible read or talk to friends and the child is having a ball. 

My" Internal" History of Motherhood

My "internal" history, meaning what I am thinking and possibly why am I this kind of mother? I think I will reflect  back on to one of my first happy childhood memories; for if I was "happy" as a child maybe that intensified my desire to be a mother? In my current class on motherhood, we evaluated why we wanted/or did not want to be mothers. As I personally asked this question and answered,"yes", I feel the best way to show this desire is through these foundation of memories of my family. 
  Remembering myself in Dekalb, Illinois as a child of about five and my adventures in our vast, flat, field of a backyard. One moment, that brought out the senses, was as I lay in the tall grassy field. Being a middle child of four, born in a six year span of time, us kids would run “free in the fields” as the parents would talk of their new jobs at NIU.  I felt very secure as a hidden observer as I was listening of talking off in the distance. As I lay supine in the swaying tall grass, I had created a pressed-down area of a hidden playpen. I felt an extreme feeling of connection to nature with the twightlight sky above and insects abuzz around the edges of my little den. I was also feeling “protected”, “secure”, and yet a  hidden observer . “Secure” in listening to my parents talking on the back patio of ”regular life” and hearing off in the further distance the band practice from the University Stadium . The University of Northern Illinois held a regional band competition every summer, and since our house on Annie Glidden road was backed up to the stadium, this sound was just a part of my childhood. In retrospect, the reinforcement of the sounds of the University brought confidence in my father to mind. For, my father had just brought his family of six, to the wide-open Midwest, away from the “overbearing” Italian in-laws.

Another memory was of times with my mother looking in her bureau drawers. . Penelope Donoghue Deloca, who brought me into this world in the 70’s, was always know to me as a natural,”no fuss” woman. Looking in my mother’s drawers brought out her glamorous past of being Mrs. New York in 1966.  I remember touching the soft long white gloves and shimmering “diamond” jewels that I also could see in old photo’s. Although at the time it was a pure feminine interest that attracted me to these objects, the conversations and lessons about “true beauty” have stayed with me to this day. 
 I only hope from all the craziness and roller coaster like emotions in my current family life my children may have a couple "happy" memories to hold someday. 

Pilot Post

One of the most important qualities of a good parent is a good sense of humour. Enough said.
"When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other."  ~Alan Alda